I’d like to start my blog by introducing myself and sharing my heart as to why I started this website. I know that some individuals will not like what I am about to share (reveal) about myself, nevertheless, I am okay with that because my story may speak to someone. I believe that people have a fundamental need to belong. We all have a life story, we’ve all experienced similar thoughts and feelings, and hopefully, we have all learned lessons from our mistakes.
I believe, those lessons have the power to impact the lives of others.
I was born in the ’60s when typical families believed in gender roles: Women managed the home and children while men worked to provide for the family. I grew up with parents who took me to church and sent me to Christian schools from kindergarten to twelfth grade.
However, the dynamics of my family structure growing up was very dysfunctional. For example, both of my parents had no training on how to deal with relational conflict, especially within a marriage. Therefore, I listened and watched them use passive-aggressive behavior to punish each other. For example, they either expressed themselves through angry words or stopped talking to each other for long periods of time. Needless to say, the atmosphere in my home was very tense and uncomfortable most of the time until my parents divorced when I turned eighteen.
As a young teen, I felt unseen, unheard, and unwanted and started to resent my parents. Then, I began to pull away from them and turn to the world for a sense of belonging. Looking for my sense of belonging led me into a life of drug and alcohol use from the age of sixteen until I reached twenty. During those years, I was like a chameleon changing my appearance and behavior depending on the group of peers I hung around with. For instance, when hanging around punk rockers, I dressed and acted like them. When I hung around bikers, I dressed and acted like them.
Further, my drug of choice changed with each peer group.
For example, I started with smoking cigarettes and drinking beer at age sixteen, marijuana at seventeen, and pills, hallucinogenic’s and hard alcohol at eighteen. Not long after, I was snorting speed, PCP, cocaine, and shooting up cocaine. When I encountered mean hurtful people, I asserted my power to punish through passive aggressive behavior and arguments like I learned from my parents.
I looked at life fearfully and cynically and developed a negative belief system about myself and my value as a woman.
Therefore, I continued to venture further away from Godly living to indulge my curiosity about same-sex attractions. For example, I had a few close male friends who all came out of the closest. I loved these guys, so it didn’t matter to me. We had so much fun together. They took me to Hollywood clubs and gay bars. This is when I started to get curious about kissing a girl. This curiosity led me to a women’s gay bar where I spent the night drinking, dancing, and making out with a woman I had just met.
When I awoke the next day and remembered what had transpired, a shock wave went through my body as terror filled my soul. I literally felt a jolt go through my body as if I was mildly shocked by electricity. The fear of going to hell filled my soul, and I knew that I had to tell this woman that I was not gay (just curious), ask for her forgiveness for using her, and quickly end this relationship. When she called, I explained everything to her and we peacefully parted ways.
I kept partying with my friends until one day while getting on my boyfriend’ Harley, I heard the audible voice of God say, “It’s time to come home.” Again, my whole being was jolted with fear, however, not the fear of going to hell, per se, but the fear of following a God who I could not see. How could I trust that He was good? I was okay with Jesus, but God? Not really. He was probably like my earthly father, always seeing and addressing the negative in me but never seeing or addressing the good.
When I realized that I needed to obey God’s voice
It took me a few years to obey God’s voice because I didn’t trust Him. I didn’t trust what I could not see. Therefore, I continued to party until the drugs starting having an adverse effect on me. For example, I started getting paranoid when I smoked pot or took drugs. I wasn’t having fun anymore, so, I stopped taking all the drugs and just smoked and drank.
However, there came a day that I had a nightmare that scared the hell out of me. I won’t go into all the details except to state that I had the same dream when I was in 8th grade, but that dream had a wonderful ending of me defeating Satan. The second time I had that dream, the ending was totally different, and I did not defeat Satan. I knew that God was trying to get my attention again. That dream got my attention. I knew that I had to obey God’s voice.
Nevertheless, being fearful and stubborn, I decided to “check out” other religions first before I came back to God and “Christianity.” I asked my best friend if she ever felt like she wanted to stop partying and give God a chance. Surprisingly, she stated that she had thought about that, however, she would only become a Jehovah’s Witness (JW) because her grandma was one, and she believed that she was the only person in her family that loved her.
So, I found a bible study a block away from my home and we attended for a few weeks. Everyone was very nice. Nevertheless, as we all studied Scripture passages, I started to remember everything I learned in my Christian education growing up. I started to recognize that the JW bible was different than the Christian bible. For instance, when we read John 1:1 together, their bible was different than mine. The JW bible said, “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was a God.” Mine said, “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.” When I heard that and asked why the difference, I was told that my translation was incorrect.
Nevertheless, I already believed that Jesus was God in the flesh and not just “a” God. Something inside of me didn’t feel right, and I felt like I shouldn’t return to that bible study. I didn’t and much more transpired after that, that I won’t go into, however, I had some choices to make.
When I realized that I needed Jesus
I realized that I needed Jesus after I pondered my life, the choices I made, and how I wanted to proceed forward. I did not want to keep hanging around people who had no ambition to do anything with their lives. I believed the message of the gospel, but I was putting off the decision to let God have control of my life. However, as I honestly analyzed the results of controlling my own life, I was finally willing let go of control, and come home to God. I knew that I needed Jesus. Therefore, I reached out to an old high school friend who was a Christian. He introduced me to a couple Christian women to talk with. They answered my questions and then led me into a prayer for Salvation.
Interestingly, while I was about to give my life to Jesus and pray to receive Him into my heart, I felt invisible hands around my neck trying to choke me or stop me from praying. Then, I heard voices next to my ear taunting me that I would start crying and make a fool of myself. I felt fear start to well up inside of me, and that was when I recognized that the devil did not want me to give my life to Jesus. I pondered, “If the devil did not want me to give myself to Jesus, then he must be afraid of something and trying to keep me from something good.” Therefore, just to spite the devil, I used all my willpower to say the sinner’s prayer and receive Jesus into my life. Those invisible hands released my neck at that moment.
In case you don’t know what I meant about the sinner’s prayer; It was a simple prayer of acknowledging my awareness that I had sinned by separating myself from God due to life hurts, fear, doubt, unforgiveness, and pride. I asked Jesus for forgiveness, thanked Him for forgiving me, and then, I gave my life to Him by receiving Him into my heart to take control. I was done running.
I wanted to come home and follow God’s path for my life and explore the aspects of myself–which God designed–that I had spent a lifetime ignoring. Moreover, I had heard that every human being–at the finished work of the cross–inherently carried the fullness of God within their spirit. However, to tap into that fullness, I had to learn how to access it.
The doorway was repentance
then receiving Jesus as Savior and Lord, the baptism of water, and the Holy Spirit. From there, the journey consisted of learning from the life of Jesus, allowing the Holy Spirit into every part of my soul (my mind, will, and emotions) that needed healing, and renewing my mind through the Word of God. I believe that Jesus was our blueprint. He demonstrated that living from one’s spirit, rather than one’s feelings, led to a full and fragrant life that impacted others.
The biggest change I have noticed in my life
The biggest change that I have noticed in my life was seeing myself and others through the eyes of God’s mercy, love, and compassion. This change started after I encountered the love of God as a Father, which in turn caused me to feel seen, heard, and wanted. I found my sense of belonging in the heart of God as my Father, and the embrace of Jesus as my friend and Bridegroom King. Further, my self-image shifted from self-loathing to self-loving as I become aware of and responsive to God’s Spirit living inside of me. I shed many tears during that season of my life through inner healing and encountered Jesus in ways that transformed me from the inside out.
Spiritual directors played a big role in my transformation due to their wise counsel and their ability to help me understand myself and who I was in Christ. They also helped me understand the difference between ungodly and Godly attachments.
I’m reminded of a time, years back when Jesus spoke to me in a metaphor. For example, He asked me to divorce the world and marry Him. At first, I thought Jesus was asking me to become a nun (which I became and remained for many years of my life).
However, later on, I learned that Jesus was actually asking me to consecrate my life to Him; to set myself apart for His Kingdom purposes. To divorce the world, was to let go of its mindsets, attitudes, and ungodly indulgences.
I have never turned back. My life has forever been changed by the love of God. Thus, for the past 35 + years, God has opened doors for me to experience inner healing, become a lay-pastor and co-leader of various small groups for women who needed emotional healing. Then, God directed me to become a licensed minister for more ministry opportunities.
God also led me to work for years as a caregiver for the elderly and disabled. Most recently, at the age of 54, God led me to return to college where I completed my AA, Bachelors in Applied Psychology, and Masters of Divinity. I graduated at the age of 60! I am now an ordained pastor who works as a hospice chaplain and bereavement coordinator.
My life verse Isaiah 61: 1-4
The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed and qualified me to preach the Gospel of good tidings to the meek, the poor, and afflicted; He has sent me to bind up and heal the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the [physical and spiritual] captives and the opening of the prison and of the eyes to those who are bound, to proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord [the year of His favor] and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, to grant [consolation and joy] to those who mourn in Zion—to give them an ornament (a garland or diadem) of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, the garment [expressive] of praise instead of a heavy, burdened, and failing spirit—that they may be called oaks of righteousness [lofty, strong, and magnificent, distinguished for uprightness, justice, and right standing with God], the planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified. And they shall rebuild the ancient ruins; they shall raise up the former desolations and renew the ruined cities, the devastations of many generations.
I love the last sentence, “And they (those I help) shall rebuild the ancient ruins; they shall raise up the former desolations and renew the ruined cities, the devastations of many generations (of other people’s lives). How exciting is that? Can you see the ripple effect?
Being a full time hospice chaplain is a wonderful ministry to help individuals in the last stages of their lives to reconnect to God, heal brokenness, and release forgiveness. God wants His sons and daughters to return to Him and come home to His heart and feel Spiritually comforted and hope filled.
Though, my full time work is chaplaincy, God has recently opened more doors for me to facilitate inner healing ministry for women of faith online. God has also commissioned me to start creating worship flags for an upcoming worship conference that I will be participating in. I feel my creativity springing up again after 6 years of dormancy. Further, as I’ve been creating worship flags for this conference and posting them on social media, the response has been amazing, and people are asking me to create flags for them.
That is where this website comes into play.
This website will be my platform to reach more women of faith worldwide. If there is someone “out there” that needs emotional healing and freedom from negative patterns that have hindered them in any type of relationship, whether it be with a spouse, children, parents, friends, co-workers, or God, I am here to help. In addition, there may be women who need help to discover aspects of themselves that they have spent a lifetime ignoring or not exploring. I can help with that.
Those aspects have everything to do with their life purpose.
With regard to creating worship flags, I felt led to create worship tools to sell for the body of Christ because the response to what I’ve been sharing on social media has been amazing. Therefore, I will be hand-painting silk flags and veils for worship, mantles of praise, and matteh/mattah sticks and staffs for intercession and declarations. I will also be taking custom orders.
Worship & Intercession are glorious weapons of warfare to shift the atmosphere and release heaven on earth through our very beings. Are we not the temple of God?
Other than that…
I love sushi, snuggling with my 2 dogs, game night with friends, hand-painting silks, expressive worship (dance), and I think fireflies are romantic.
If you’d like to read my future blog/journal entries, feel free to leave me your name and email address below…AND, I’d like to hear from you, so feel free to leave a comment.